Friends

I have gotten a cold, the flu, something. For a week now, I have been sitting, resting, reading and drinking lots of tea. I am rather tired of being sickly. It does, however, leave lots of time for introspection. Drat.

Red has been gently prodding at me. She misses me. I have been rather wrapped up in myself, not venturing out, physically nor emotionally. I tend to do that in times of sadness or stress. Withdraw. I curl up and lick my wounds, waiting for the worst of the pain to pass.

Leo and I have been chatting a bit. Things appear to be in a rough place with him and Tinker. I pull back, unwilling to get too close to the roller coaster I have learned to expect from Tinker. There may be a future where Leo and I connect, spend time and love again. So far, I heed the lessons I have learned, and give up expecting anything to actually change.

I haven't made any money in a week, needless to say. No paid sick days for those of us living on the fringes. No health, no pay.

Christmas is coming, and I have buried my head in the snow. I try to refuse to acknowledge the season in the hopes it will go away. At least my family has decided to forego gift giving again. As this is the third year this has been the stated intent, I think it might actually take this year. I certainly didn't buy any gifts.

Sigh. Time for more tea, I think.

I suppose I ought to clarify, if not already obvious; my feelings for Leo have not lessened. I simply could no longer bear to be so affected by a situation that I had so little ability to affect in turn. I hope Leo and Tinker are able to work out their differences. I see no lessening of Leo's desire to enjoy poly anytime soon.

I was in a foul mood, leaving the house with a curse and a glare. Far easier to be angry, feel the burn of fury and righteous wrath. Sadness implies weakness, and my ego demanded more than that.

I went to bring dinner to Pirate, he being trapped at his job in the mall. I can think of few things that compare to the slow crush and frustration of working in that stockyard during the Consumer-mas holiday shopping frenzy. Grabbing vietnamese from a local hole in the wall, I slewed my truck to a halt in the slushy parking lot, and strode inside. After a hasty meal, both of us rather morose, I stood to leave.

What to do? My mood had not lifted, and I had far too much energy to sit at home. As I contemplated my options, a text came in. It seems my luck has turned. A lover from out of town has just arrived. He is at loose ends, looking for something to do. This lover has an uncanny ability to handle me, and also enjoys some kink.

I wonder how he would like to play tonight? I just happen to have these frustrations I would like to work out...

Goodbye, cruel world. This is my last entry...

...from a luxury resort in a nice location. I've been here for one week with the client Hyman Roth Jack Gallo, and we've had a wonderful time. Although I am his paid companion, I'm not only a working girl. I encourage him to try our language and talk to our people. I show him new things, but it's not in-his-face. I beckon him, show him why it's interesting or wonderful...

On Tuesday, we took a trip to a nearby island with pristine and very private beaches. He does not snorkel, but I gave him some basics. He didn't like the mask, but I gave him a demonstration. I then went underwater. 5 large, gray fish (looked almost like angel fish) curiously approached us!! The fish were healthy at 13 inches long and 7 inches high. I said casually, "fish!" Jack slowly put on his mask and went underwater. Within seconds, he sprang above the water.

"When you said 'fish', I thought you meant little ones!" he exclaimed. "Oh, my! They come right up to you!" He put on his mask and went under to see them again.

Jack Gallo left on Friday, so I had 2 days to myself. I was glad he was away. I had to get back to my regular self.

It's not that I'm out of my regular form when I'm entertaining, but it does take a bit out of me. I was tired after he left, though lots of energy coursed through me. I almost didn't know whether to sleep or go out. I forced myself to stay home and enjoy a rainstorm from the open wall/window of the villa.


The reason I now say 'so long' is because I soon will be on a ferry to the neighboring island where I will take my language classes.

Jack was kind enough to suggest a trip to the city so I could see the school and where I will be staying. Okay, I never considered myself a snob, but I am definitely taking a dive in terms of accomodations, conveniences, and luxuries...

The house doesn't have air conditioning. It doesn't have a TV. It is in the middle of a crowded second-world city. The area has a bit of litter, but it's not pestilence. The city is known for being very loud and a lively up-all-night type of night life. I don't speak the language fluently, and my listening skills are less developed than my reading and speaking... Shit, I sure hope that changes in the duration of my visit.

OK, I'm going for one last lunch on Jack Gallo, in this luxury resort before heading to the ferry and the big city... So long, my friends, for now... More later.

Happy Holidays to all!!

--Lexie

P.S. I entertained the idea of having my own TV show where I travel, except it won't be the same as Anthony Boudain. Mine would be cooler, and then I'd write books about my **ahem** exploits. Wouldn't that be an interesting way to live???

P.P.S I also discovered the notion of 'boundaries' while on this trip. Very necessary things. For crying out loud, I'm not one of the dolls on 'Dollhouse'!!

It has been a rough couple of days. As you can imagine, it has been pretty quite right before Christmas. Lots of family time, not too many guys have time for discreet encounters. So, not much money coming in, snow all over the ground, and rough times on the emotional front. Things with Tinker and Leo are falling quicker than I can hop. I had an online chat with Tinker a few days ago, where she said several hurtful things, using info I had given to Leo. We worked it out, and she offered a general apology by the time we signed off. I had the sense her outlook was improved as well, but I felt like it had taken a lot of energy out of me. I thought about it, and realized I could not deal with this rollercoaster anymore. I would like to believe love conquers all, but I haven't found that to be the case. I suppose it is love for my own self, my own frame of mind that prompts me to pull back, get my heart out of the firing range.

I chatted with Leo the next day, and told him I needed to step back. A week ago, he was ready to leave Tinker, as she said she did not want to do poly anymore. I admit to a certain amount of silent happiness. Without the drama of Tinker, life would be simpler. This week, he has decided that he needs to focus on his marriage. I can respect that. Marriage is a big thing, and not to be thrown away lightly. I just can't take the back and forth anymore.

Today, while I was hammering out an email to Tinker, to wish her the best, but I needed to step back, Pirate came downstairs. It seems Tinker had just broken up with him. He was quite sad, as he has been falling in love with her. I fired off the email to Tinker, quite well written, I feel. Polite and with not one word of blame. Pirate sat down, and we had a little pity party right there at the kitchen table for about half an hour. Life goes on, and we pulled ourselves up and carried on.

It was only later I started to think. I told Leo I wanted to step back, and the next day Tinker breaks up with Pirate? I hope she wasn't just "placeholding" with him, while her husband explored poly. That would be just wrong for Pirate. Augh, I just don't know what to think. I wanted to cool it with Leo, but now it seems all around breakup is underway.

I know it was a house of cards to begin with, but I had such hope.

How do you feel about obscure quotes? I am reading "The Gargoyle" by Andrew Davidson. I heard quite a few good things about it, and then there it was, on a friend's bookcase. Just when I needed it.

I like the flavor of the words. I have found the books I read shape my writing. Shape the flow of my thoughts. Just so. Perhaps it is odd, the way I like to drop myself into the pages, to abandon my own thoughts and feel the words of another. Sort of like a consensual possession. Then, I stop reading for a bit, and find my own thoughts. However, they have the flavor of 'other', words formed by my mind with the accent of the book I have been reading. I love it, the difference. Like looking thru someone else's eyes.

So! If you have the patience, I have been struck several times by the beauty of this book. Would you like to read some of the quotes I find interesting? I find myself with the urge to write them down, to grasp the beauty flowing thru them, if only for a moment. I want to possess them. I want to share these, the bits of errant imagery that catch my heart, my mind. I don't know what it means to me yet, but I know when something moves me.

"And in the midst of these rough gargoyles, (she) was sleeping upon a huge slab of stone, undressed except for the necklace whose arrowhead, resting in the valley of her breasts, moved slightly up and down with her breath. She was at home here, the nude one danced upon by the shadows and the light, her hair twisted around her body like wings woven from black rope."

I read this passage, and I saw it. I felt the heat from the candles he described previously, and saw her skin bathed in their light. I felt the cool emanations from the stone, and felt the still air in the room.

---There. A noise, a flit of color maybe. A slight shift in the texture of my environment, the tantalizing tail of I know not what. I turn, trying to pin the elusive in my sight. I can sense this will be the cause of such happiness. I walk a few more steps, going about my morning routine. My senses perk again, and I turn. Still, nothing there but the niggling feeling of something missing. Stop searching and think. What am I chasing?

There. A faint scent carried from your sweatshirt to my nose. I turn again, already knowing I will not find you around this corner, either. I stand, and hug your sweatshirt close to my face.

Thank you for this weekend.---


Leo and Tinker were here. Tinker and I have discussed things, and decided to relax on the state of matters between us. She is falling for Pirate, and he for her. I am clearly quite taken with Leo. We followed our hearts and spent a lovely weekend paired off, but all working together.

Last night I lay in bed, missing Leo. Missing his skin, his scent, the easy smile on his lis and the love in his eyes. Missing the play of muscles below his skin, the way the candlelight accented his contours. Missing his tongue on my clit, his hands on my hips, the feeling of being intimately entwined, moving together.

Last night, I lay in my empty bed and let my hands wander. I stroked my skin, soft over my breasts, stretched over my ribs like the hide of a kayak. I ran my fingers over the softness of my belly, the hard certainty of my hip bones. I felt the coarse hair of my sex, trimmed neatly. I let my fingers wander to my cunt, felt the heat coming off my sex, the wetness gathered just below the surface. I parted my nether lips gently, discovered the dewy moisture within. I dipped my fingers in, paying homage to the hidden depths before swirling them lightly around my clit. I gently stroked the slick pearl of flesh.

I cast about for my intention, even as I paid homage to that little bundle of nerves. Wether it is the energy I shape taking force in the world around me, or just the sharpening of my focus on a matter, I value sex magic. The act of casting all my energy to a goal centers me. I see what I want to achieve, I feel it is possible. A powerful tool, not to be casually discarded.

Tonight, I resolved to challenge myself. The mantle of love has been sitting uneasily on my shoulders. I am afraid to be in love. I joke it off in the company of others, and make rueful comments on it's ability to warp my perceptions. Inside, I tremble in fear at the changes it may write in my life.

Tonight, I would open my arms to love. As I stroked my fingers over my clit, I cast open my mind. I visualized my heart opening, letting love in. I felt love like a sheet of softest silk, settle on my skin, in my mouth. I felt my lungs draw it in. I cast out my fear, my doubt. I opened the lock on my heart and called love inside.

I gathered up these intentions, felt them like a ball of energy. I cast this up and out, set it free to do it's work. As I felt it lift off, the shining edge of orgasm overtook me. I gasped, my eyes opening and looking softly at nothing material. The energy seemed to be all around me, instead of speeding off into the world. The energy seemed to be a shelter over me, raining love down on me. Is this what it feels like, to love without fear? I marveled at the feeling as pleasure fed back to my brain from my nerves. I relaxed back into my covers, snuggled up to the sweatshirt wrapped around my pillow. A smile played around my lips, soft and content.

I have formed my intention, and I will strive to be worthy of that shower of love.